If Men Ruled the World

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. These are especially effective for those post-hookup memory lapses.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up with a girl would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get the guy next time." would pretty much do it. Of course, girls breaking up with guys would have to be outlawed to save us the heartache.

Birth control would come in ale or lager. Hell yeah, it's always great to kill two birds with one stone!

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow, you'd jump out your window, slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and land right inside your car, just like Fred Flintstone!

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent. 

Instead of a beer belly, men would get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same and be celebrated EVERY MONTH.

"Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could call in with advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks, if that's more your style.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night football from a Different Camera Angle.

 It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. For example:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

Women would never talk about how fresh they felt on annoying television commercials. In fact, commercials would only advertise things like alcohol, sporting events, and chips.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.