Quotes from the Montreal comedy festival:

(On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." ** Rich Jeni

"I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know." ** Franck Dubosc

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." ** Gary Valentine

(On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." ** Jeff Green

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" Francois Morency

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" Rich Jeni

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Tim Steeves

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is." Lenny Clarke

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Emo Philips

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." Rich Jeni